You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
