just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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