I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
