Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
