if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
