The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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