Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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