fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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