there's paper in my vomit.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
please come you make the beer taste better
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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