Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
