My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
