you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
and she was petting her beer can
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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