shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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