hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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