You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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