i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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