i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
