I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
