Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
