I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
