We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
