she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
