just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
