Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
