There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
