In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
