I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
