He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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