Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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