Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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