I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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