my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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