I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize