i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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