...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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