We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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