I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
