i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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