Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
