I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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