I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
