Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize