It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
