If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just forgot I was standing up.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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