I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
