if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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