How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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