Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
