I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
