My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
