Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
