My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
you mean i was at the winter classic?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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