I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
