once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize