I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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