we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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