Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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