no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
