I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
