I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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