Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
