Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
